Dirty Little Secret
Can I tell you a secret? My dirty little secret?
I am a doula and I had an epidural.
Image by Bryan Mason
A lot of people might read that statement and wonder why it’s a secret. Others might read and wonder why a doula had an epidural. After all, doulas are for “natural” childbirth, right?
Except, we aren’t. We are for all childbirth. We support birth in all it’s wonderful, glorious, nerve-wracking, raw, incredible forms. But some people think that there is a right way to give birth. And for a long time, I was ashamed that I, a doula, had gotten an epidural.
Didn’t that make me a fraud?
It took me time to realize that being a doula wasn’t about how I had given birth. It was how I supported others in how they gave birth. It wasn’t about me, it was about them. So this is my confession, this is my PostSecret.
I loved my epidural.
My epidural was huge for me. My first birth was difficult, with an epidural that failed. When I became a doula, I wasn’t even sure I wanted another baby! Then I did, and I wanted to be like the doulas I looked up to; I wanted to experience the elation of unmedicated birth.
Except that I was scared.
Fear of birth is normal, natural even. There is nothing wrong with it. But there were specific fears for me. Haunting moments from my first delivery, and I wasn’t sure I could work past them.
In the end, pre-eclampsia meant that I was induced. Even my induction was easier! But there came a point where I looked up, met my husbands eyes and said, “it’s time.”
It was time. Once my epidural was placed and working, I was able to rest. I took a nap, I listened to a Hypnobabies track, and let the stress melt away from my body. When I woke up, I knew that it was time to push.
A few short minutes later, my son was in my arms.
My epidural was the best thing that happened to me in my labour. I loved it. It helped me to be aware, to be relaxed, to work with my body and have the rest I needed.
If I have another baby, I am having an epidural.