A Letter to my New Mom Self
Dear Me,
Where do I start? I look back at you, snuggling that brand new, squishy baby, and I know everything you are thinking, everything you are worrying about, and everything you are struggling with. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but I promise you will get through this period, it will get easier. You won’t always feel this exhausted. You won’t always feel like you are screwing up. You won’t always feel like you are trapped in a dark place and there isn’t a way out.
You don’t know it yet, but in a few months you will be diagnosed with postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. That feeling you have, that if you don’t fold the receiving blankets perfectly something terrible will happen? You aren’t supposed to feel like that. The intrusive thoughts when you are out for a walk about “what if” you fell and the stroller rolled onto the road and it got hit? Intrusive thoughts are normal but not the frequency you have them, and they shouldn’t be so bad they stop you from leaving the house. That feeling like your baby, your husband, and everyone you know would be better off without you? That’s depression talking and it is lying to you.
Asking for help is going to be one of the hardest things you ever do.
But I promise you it will be the best thing you will ever do. Because you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be mentally healthy, and you deserve to enjoy motherhood. Your baby and your family also deserve a happy, healthy, confident you. You’re going to get some resistance at first, your GP frankly kinda sucks (and you will find a new one!), but keep persisting because you don’t have to do this alone. You are going to end up referred to an amazing psychiatrist who specializes in postpartum issues. She is going to help you so much.
Now, she is going to suggest meds. And I know that as a new mom that seems really scary because what about breastfeeding? The meds won’t hurt your baby, but untreated depression and anxiety might. Take the meds. They will change your life for the better. And that amazing psychiatrist? She’ll make sure that you are taking ones that are safe for you both.
That sweet little baby you are holding? He is going to grow up to be the most incredible young person you could possibly imagine. He will be sweet and kind, wickedly funny, incredibly smart, and the two of you are going to bond over a love of history and musicals. When you’re me, you are going to feel so lucky that you get to be his mom.
But you have to get there first. And the only way to get there is to put yourself first and realize you deserve more than the crippling depression I know you are feeling. The only way out is through.
And you will get there. That’s why I wrote this letter to my new mom self. You are so much stronger than you realize.